life stuff

To hell and back, covered in polish

Let’s get things straight here. I am, above all else, a Bootblack, and a Little. I top for needles and bottom for them as well. In the past years my being a bottom (other than for myself) has been far and few between. Part of that is because of my mental health. I have schizoaffective disorder and severe CPTSD. A lot of bottoming practices involve me not being in control, and that can sometimes exacerbate the symptoms of my mental health. When I have the opportunity to bring myself down from the chaos that is the world and my brain caving in, I look to leather. When my world is falling apart, I will curl up with my partner on the couch, a stuffie in one arm and a blanket snuggled around me.

For years now, I have been celibate. I don’t know why. I have the opportunity to have sex really anytime I want. Again, my brain fucks with the things I want. (Except masturbating because fuck yeah I can do that ALL FUCKING DAY.)

Becoming a blogger with disabilities and a weird sense of self is an odd task. I’ve been finding so many friends with such similar feelings toward the world, and disabilities, and allyship. I’ve found that sometimes major companies aren’t as good as I once thought they were. I’ve seen bloggers argue, and I’ve seen them encourage each other when others are in turmoil. I find solace in this community, as I find solace in my local and international kink communities.

You give me space. A home. Purpose.

You see, I often feel like I am a burden on everyone I know and love. I know it’s not original or edgy, but I do. It’s a basic emotion often caused by anxiety and paranoia that I just can’t stop. You have each individually given me words of encouragement, and were willing to hold my hand when I was scared. I was given cuddles without having to beg for them, I was allowed to play and make shitty jokes (As Daddy’s do). I have barely started my blogging journey and already I feel like I could write anything and still feel good about it.

I have never felt good about anything I’ve done in my life.

Between the kink/leather communities and the blogger and twitter communities, I have found relentless kindness and honesty. Actions are being taken by bloggers with large voices, but still include the smaller voices as well. I have watched (Even in the last couple days) people stand together to form boundaries they never thought they would have to build.

I am sorry for that.

These communities continue to hold each other responsible for wrongdoings and injustices. You are all /SO/ responsive and good. I hope to continue to make you proud of my content, I hope to become the Nevada State Bootblack, and I hope to uphold the honesty and integrity you all do every single fucking day.

You are all rockstars.

Keep fighting for the good, fight for the ones who can not fight themselves (Which sometimes means me). Stand on your soap boxes and spread the wealth of knowledge (In all things) around the world. Shatter the glass ceiling and show the world that it is so much brighter on the outside and I promise to stand by your sides when I can.

 

 

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